An Honest Moment.

Can I be honest? This blog took me days to write. I had a bit of a breakdown last week which I almost didn’t blog about, but I will, because it’s part of my story and the journey to Uganda. I’ll start from the beginning…

Last week, my family and I left for a vacation in Franklin, North Carolina. My mom planned this trip because she wanted our whole family to spend time together before I leave for Africa. (BTW, we leave in 3 weeks!!!) We had a great time travelling around North Carolina, mining for gems, white water tubing, hiking, and waterfall hunting. Yet, there was this cloud hanging over my head during the whole week and the more fun we had, the bigger the cloud grew.

The cloud first appeared when my Dad couldn’t join us because of work. Then when my sister backed out, then when my brother backed out. I couldn’t help to take it personally, like this trip wasn’t important enough to them to take off work. Of course, that is not at all the case. They just couldn’t get off work, but still I felt a tinge of heartbreak.

We rented a very neat cabin on the side of a mountain with a gorgeous view. After admiring the cabin, my mom mentions to me how we should rent it again in the Fall so we can see the leaves change. Immediately, I fell silent and the cloud got bigger, hanging over my head. “You’ll be gone.”

And I pushed the cloud away.

The next day, we were traveling around NC, geocaching (if you don’t know what geocaching is you should look it up, because it is a lot of fun) and saw a cute lil’ Christmas shop in Highlands. We have a family tradition that each individual gets a new ornament every year to put on the tree. So we go in, looking for an ornament for this year’s tree. And the cloud grew dark and heavier. “You won’t be home for Christmas.”

And I can’t push the cloud away any longer.

It hovers over me as I think to myself, “I don’t want to go to Africa. It would be easier to stay.”

Immediately I felt ashamed, guilty, and ungrateful. I wipe my eyes quickly because I don’t want anyone to see my tears and I bury the thought deep down inside.

Days passed, the vacation is over, and we’re home again. I hold in all the tears, preach to the youth group that night, trying not to let on that something is wrong. Afterwards, I went to join our college ministry at a local coffee shop for a worship gathering and there I see Kelsey and the tears just pour out. Before I can even say any words, the tears start coming in the middle of the coffee shop surrounded by people. So Kelsey ushers me outside so we can talk, and I know that I have to admit to her the anxieties I was having about our trip. And as I tell her the whole story, the cloud goes away. I’m not alone in this. Yes, I have Kelsey (Praise the Lord for Kelsey) on this journey with me, but He is with me, lighting my path, pulling me along. And the truth is that I’d love to see the leaves change in the Fall, but I’d rather see lives change in the Fall. And I’d love to be with my family on Christmas, but how about spending Christmas with children who don’t have families.

He reminds me daily to put all my trust in Him. Cast all my worries unto Him. And He does not disappoint, He is forever faithful.

Father, thank you for your grace and mercy, especially when I lose faith. I am yours.

Found an elephant while geocaching!
Dry Falls, NC. (Yes, that’s me behind it!)